Whenever I enter a multiplex to watch a movie, I keep telling myself that this is the last time I am going to do this. I sometimes even say that outloud so the people around me can get the hint and stop being excruciatingly annoying. That hardly works and I feel worse everytime they don’t get the hint. These people are generally the same folks who have that Samsung-Whistle tone set as their message tone. Those people are not fit to be among us, civilised beings.
Don’t get me wrong, I like the idea of watching movies. I do like TV way more than I like movies and that’s mainly because the stories made for the big screen are usually dumbed down and character-elements are generally lost because they have to fit all of it: The entire plot from beginning to the end in a span of a few hours. Yes, I do realise that TV shows are a bigger/longer commitment than movies could ever be and I am completely okay with that.
Somebody I know compared movies to one-night stands and TV Shows to relationships, that’s sorta true somewhere but I am just a TV-guy and maybe it’s got nothing to do with the bullshit I just typed. Maybe it’s the fact that watching movies in India is just fucking annoying.
In this post as you may have already guessed, I will be talking about how annoying the experience of watching a movie in India is. Now, if you’re reading this from some two-tier city like Pune, it’ll obviously be worse for you but nobody cares about your city so I guess it’s okay, right?
Buying tickets was a fucked process before, you had to stand in line and there weren’t any multiplexes in the city and even after you stood in line for an hour, tickets were not guaranteed, you would probably have to end up buying tickets in ‘black’ from the dude who looked exactly like Aamir Khan in Rangeela. Thankfully now, ticket booking is way easier, there are hardly any sold-out shows and with a billion multiplexes in Mumbai itself, there hasn’t ever been a point where I wanted to watch a movie but I couldn’t. Also with new services like BookMyShow and other random and not-so-important enough services, ticket booking is a breeze. (Even though BookMyShow has started charging a high ‘internet handling fee’ because they’re asshats but whatever)
But nothing except buying tickets has changed, I mean you still walk inside a multiplex and you’re greeted with bad lighting, food which is more expensive than the airport and seats which are painfully uncomfortable unless of course you decide to go full-retard and buy tickets for those recliners, in which case you will be greeted with bad stinking blankets. Those blankets stink more than a 40-something year old farting in your car with all the windows shut.
Imagine that smell. Feel that smell. Touch that smell.
The multiplex experience does remind me of the airport and flying a lot. Think about it, people push in as soon as the doors open because they were lining up before like complete retards, they take the seats they’ve booked and sit down and wonder why it’s so hot. Are you still with me? It’s a lot of strangers waiting for something, a lot of strangers ‘experiencing’ something together, a lot of strangers with a bunch of random fucking annoying fucking children who make a lot of fucking noise in a closed environment for no apparent reason, people who keep getting up from their fucking seats, restless buttfucks sitting next to you, the arm-rest war with the person sitting next to you because fuck him you were here first, that guy who keeps fucking tapping his fucking foot all the fucking time like it’s a completely normal thing to do, people talking in Gujarati, people talking, a girl with curly hair sitting next to you so you keep thinking that there is some sort of an insect near your arm whenever she moves her head, the married woman with more bangles than you could count with her husband who keep touching each other, people eating shit food and saying it’s good, people still talking on the phone even when they are told not to do it, the old man sitting behind you who keeps alternating between burping and snoring. When you think about it, going to a movie is extremely similar to flying, the only difference is that you can walk away from a cinema hall but you sadly can’t do that while you’re in a flight (#lolzzzzZzzz)
Obviously that’s not all of it, with the censorship laws being chalked up by bigger asshats than George W. Bush, we have completely ruined the experience of watching a movie. Add that to the fact that we have subtitles in English for an English movie, shit 3D glasses, warning signs which pop up when somebody even smokes a joint/cigarette or drinks any sort of an alcoholic beverage on-screen and the fact that they actually delete sex scenes in an ‘A’ rated movie. It obviously does not astound me because I am immune to random shit, I think it’s a part of you which is developed when you stay in India for a while but the fact that they actually beep out words like “ass” in movies rated ‘A’ makes me want to throw scalding hot coffee on the buttfaces who came up with such shit. Also, I don’t want to do this to you but remember that guy who dies because he chewed tobacco a lot? They show that guy before every fucking movie. Even before an animated movie. What the fuck is the relationship between a Pixar movie and dying because you consumed too much tobacco? We could really use a better censorship board and a better rating system for movies and until such a time (It’s never happening), I am going to stick by what I just typed.
P.S - If you have a kid and bring it to the movies and if he cries even once it’s your job as somebody who decided to have a kid to TAKE IT OUT. TAKE IT. OUT.